Before J-man was placed with us we were told that he has numerous mental health diagnoses, has major displays of defiance, and can become aggressive. During his weekend pre-placement visits with us we never saw any of this though...he was a perfect angel. His first few days with us were pretty great too. We got pretty confident thinking that WE made a difference...that because WE are social workers and WE are great parents he was going to defy the reputation that everyone who knows him warned us about.
we.were.wrong.
By day 3, we began seeing everything that everyone had warned us about. Imagine a tantrum you would see from a 3 year old, add 6 years of strength and "street smarts," then multiply it by 2 and this is what you have: MAJOR defiance, back-talk, cursing, throwing things, and threats of harm to himself and others - we've been calling this a "big boy tantrum."
So what to do? Everything in you wants to engage in the power struggle, argue back, and prove your authority. But every ounce of social worker in me screams out to resist this temptation, because I know that I will be working against myself. How many adults respond well to loud, authoritarian demands when they're in an already heightened state of arousal? I know I don't! Now imagine a child who has no idea how to regulate his own emotions...there's no way he will respond well to it either!
So, here are the strategies that we have been using. They definitely aren't effective 100% of the time, and we have by no means perfected this, but I want to pass them along in the hopes that they might help and encourage someone else:
1. Human emotion is contagious, for better or for worse. You're the adult, so guard yourself against "catching" their anger and frustration. Remain calm...eventually your child will catch your mood instead.
2. Set very clear expectations so there is no room for confusion. Our established rules are very simple and we repeat them anytime a rule is broken. Though he might claim to, J-man cannot "forget" a rule in our house because they are very clear and repeated often.
3. We tell him what we're going to do, and we follow through. The moment you don't follow through on a consequence, trust and respect is lost. He will think that he now has room to manipulate you. Tony and I always communicate to each other what consequences we have given to that we don't unknowingly sabotage our parenting effort. When we say "no iPad for the rest of the day," we have to follow through even when it makes our life more difficult as he complains about being bored for the rest of the day.
So, here are the strategies that we have been using. They definitely aren't effective 100% of the time, and we have by no means perfected this, but I want to pass them along in the hopes that they might help and encourage someone else:
1. Human emotion is contagious, for better or for worse. You're the adult, so guard yourself against "catching" their anger and frustration. Remain calm...eventually your child will catch your mood instead.
2. Set very clear expectations so there is no room for confusion. Our established rules are very simple and we repeat them anytime a rule is broken. Though he might claim to, J-man cannot "forget" a rule in our house because they are very clear and repeated often.
3. We tell him what we're going to do, and we follow through. The moment you don't follow through on a consequence, trust and respect is lost. He will think that he now has room to manipulate you. Tony and I always communicate to each other what consequences we have given to that we don't unknowingly sabotage our parenting effort. When we say "no iPad for the rest of the day," we have to follow through even when it makes our life more difficult as he complains about being bored for the rest of the day.
4. Refuse to engage in power struggles. When we feel the arguing begin, we give a clear choice and provide him with a way out. "I know you're being dishonest. You can come clean now and we will talk about it, or you can continue to lie and you will lose ______ privilege."
5. Provide an opportunity for a re-do. When he slams his door or uses an inappropriate word, we ask him if he would like a chance to correct his poor choice. He almost always takes it, because he knows he will receive a consequence if he doesn't (this goes back to setting very clear expectations from the beginning and following through).
6. Notice when the goal of poor behavior is for a reaction or pure attention-seeking, and choose to ignore it whenever possible. There are times to address bad behavior, and there are times to ignore it in order for the situation to diffuse first. These times are different for every child. We have gotten to know J-man very well, and we know when correcting a behavior in the moment will result in more defiance, so we ignore it and address it later when J-man is calm. For example, in the middle of a "big boy tantrum" when he throws out a curse word we ignore it and choose to address it after the tantrum when we're processing.
6. When all else fails and the battle rages on, love him through it! There are times when every attempt of ours to avoid the "big boy tantrum" fail. In these cases we stick it out with him. We stand patiently in the room while he's raging, looking calm and speaking even more calmly. We remind him that we care about him and want him to make good choices. We don't give out consequences until the tantrum is over, as this counteracts any kind of positive message we give him. And in the aftermath, we always affirm him and help him to understand his feelings, providing him a chance for redemption and always forgiving.
Is this easy? No! But it's important, and it's worth it. And isn't this how our heavenly Father reacts when we come crawling back to him from rebellion? 1 John 4:19 reminds us that "we love, because he first loved us." And at times, it's only by and through His love that we can pour it back out on others.
5. Provide an opportunity for a re-do. When he slams his door or uses an inappropriate word, we ask him if he would like a chance to correct his poor choice. He almost always takes it, because he knows he will receive a consequence if he doesn't (this goes back to setting very clear expectations from the beginning and following through).
6. Notice when the goal of poor behavior is for a reaction or pure attention-seeking, and choose to ignore it whenever possible. There are times to address bad behavior, and there are times to ignore it in order for the situation to diffuse first. These times are different for every child. We have gotten to know J-man very well, and we know when correcting a behavior in the moment will result in more defiance, so we ignore it and address it later when J-man is calm. For example, in the middle of a "big boy tantrum" when he throws out a curse word we ignore it and choose to address it after the tantrum when we're processing.
6. When all else fails and the battle rages on, love him through it! There are times when every attempt of ours to avoid the "big boy tantrum" fail. In these cases we stick it out with him. We stand patiently in the room while he's raging, looking calm and speaking even more calmly. We remind him that we care about him and want him to make good choices. We don't give out consequences until the tantrum is over, as this counteracts any kind of positive message we give him. And in the aftermath, we always affirm him and help him to understand his feelings, providing him a chance for redemption and always forgiving.
Is this easy? No! But it's important, and it's worth it. And isn't this how our heavenly Father reacts when we come crawling back to him from rebellion? 1 John 4:19 reminds us that "we love, because he first loved us." And at times, it's only by and through His love that we can pour it back out on others.
